Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
