i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
