The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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