I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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