i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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