it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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