Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
