At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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