I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
