if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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