i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
