I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
