So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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