Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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