God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize