She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
