One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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