when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
