new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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