Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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