It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
