my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
