I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
