So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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