see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
