just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
