Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
