I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
