finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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