She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
