This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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