Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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