i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
