i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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