I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
