Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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