So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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