I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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