I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
