i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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