The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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