Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
