the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
