I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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