I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
