Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
