I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
