My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
