Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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