I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
